Seventeen. You know what the worse part of it is? Looking at the rest of your life and trying to decide what your priorities are going to be. My whole life, I looked forward to one thing: finding the Perfect Man. While my sisters have chased after Black men (we're all half black) I have always leaned the other way. Why? I'm not so sure.
My older sister chose the "way of the world". Her psyche chose to fill what I call the Daddy Void (Dad has always been present, a provider, and a lover, but never the consistent wholesome Father we needed) with dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. She used Dad's lack of surveillance (which allowed too much freedom) to get "busy" at an early age. Needless to say I was an aunt by the agre of six.
In the other extreme, is my younger sister. She was never into boys. From an early age she "staged" her crushes so she'd have something to talk about with the other kids. By middle school she stopped caring what the other kids thought and jumped into her true interests. It wasn't until late eighth grade that she found herself a boyfriend. This boyfriend was more of a "pity relationship". He liked her and she didn't think he was terrible to be around. She, however, never liked him. Her Freshman year she had a coed best friend. Today they are a cute "semi-couple". They're on the edge of dating, but on the edge of friends. They'll get married some day.
With my two sisters in the extreme ends of the spectrum, where do I fit in? I am in the middle. I have never "consummated" a relationship with anyone. I have had exactly two boyfriends, four if you count my kindergarten and second grade boyfriends. The first Real one was Josh, a short "smart kid" with an honesty problem. We went out for exactly five days before he ditched me at homecoming (using the excuse of attending a Boy Scouts meeting) to make out with a psychotic junior. I spent part of the time in the bathroom crying and the rest of the time trying to blend into the crowd. My second boyfriend was a better experience. He was romantic and sweet. A poet, an author, and an artist. We were great together... on paper. He turned out to be A. too girly B. too clingy C. too possessive and D. too worldly, so I ended it. After that sobering experience, I swore off love. I decided that I'd find the right person one day. I began to pray that God would set apart someone extra special (let's call him Guy) for me. This leads me to my point.
I realized that if I wanted that relationship, God would give it to me. I only had to do one thing in order to get it: I had to want Him [God] more than I wanted Guy, love, or even life. Let me tell you, it is NOT an easy endeavor. But somehow, I know that I'll reach my goal. Lately its like God is this whole new thing. This whole new idea. This whole new person. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is there. I'll grope, feel, search, and call out until I find Him, although He is not far from me. How do I know this? The Bible tells me so. Sometimes, it's just about letting go and having a little bit of faith. Sometimes it's about trust.
My older sister chose the "way of the world". Her psyche chose to fill what I call the Daddy Void (Dad has always been present, a provider, and a lover, but never the consistent wholesome Father we needed) with dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. She used Dad's lack of surveillance (which allowed too much freedom) to get "busy" at an early age. Needless to say I was an aunt by the agre of six.
In the other extreme, is my younger sister. She was never into boys. From an early age she "staged" her crushes so she'd have something to talk about with the other kids. By middle school she stopped caring what the other kids thought and jumped into her true interests. It wasn't until late eighth grade that she found herself a boyfriend. This boyfriend was more of a "pity relationship". He liked her and she didn't think he was terrible to be around. She, however, never liked him. Her Freshman year she had a coed best friend. Today they are a cute "semi-couple". They're on the edge of dating, but on the edge of friends. They'll get married some day.
With my two sisters in the extreme ends of the spectrum, where do I fit in? I am in the middle. I have never "consummated" a relationship with anyone. I have had exactly two boyfriends, four if you count my kindergarten and second grade boyfriends. The first Real one was Josh, a short "smart kid" with an honesty problem. We went out for exactly five days before he ditched me at homecoming (using the excuse of attending a Boy Scouts meeting) to make out with a psychotic junior. I spent part of the time in the bathroom crying and the rest of the time trying to blend into the crowd. My second boyfriend was a better experience. He was romantic and sweet. A poet, an author, and an artist. We were great together... on paper. He turned out to be A. too girly B. too clingy C. too possessive and D. too worldly, so I ended it. After that sobering experience, I swore off love. I decided that I'd find the right person one day. I began to pray that God would set apart someone extra special (let's call him Guy) for me. This leads me to my point.
I realized that if I wanted that relationship, God would give it to me. I only had to do one thing in order to get it: I had to want Him [God] more than I wanted Guy, love, or even life. Let me tell you, it is NOT an easy endeavor. But somehow, I know that I'll reach my goal. Lately its like God is this whole new thing. This whole new idea. This whole new person. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is there. I'll grope, feel, search, and call out until I find Him, although He is not far from me. How do I know this? The Bible tells me so. Sometimes, it's just about letting go and having a little bit of faith. Sometimes it's about trust.
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