We Three (My Echo, My Shadow, and Me)

I think that most of us know people are going to disappoint us. Most of us have come to accept that. We've come to expect that. I believe that most of us know that we are not always going to be happy with people. We're going to argue, and get our feelings hurt, and receive broken hearts. Being disappointed us is not the scary part. The scary thing is waking up one day and realizing that we are the disappointment. That is the thought that keeps us up at night. That is the nightmare that makes us sweat in our beds. There is nothing scarier than finding out that you are the problem.

Here is some logic: If we expect people to disappoint us, then they expect to be disappointed too. Any rationally, if people are going to disappoint us, then we're going to disappoint people too. It's a harsh reality, but it makes sense. We start arguments. We hurt people's feelings. We give broken hearts. Sometimes we won't add up to someone's standard. We will inevitably fall short sometime. None of us know what we're doing. We're looking for some semblance of a connection, but we don't actually connect with people until we make it through the hard times with them. Maybe this life is a journey. Maybe there is a start and a finish. Maybe we have a purpose. Maybe we're just here. We're all still looking for something. And when we disappoint someone during that search, we feel remorse. We have regrets. All of us do. Even those of us that say we don't do. We all wish we hadn't done something, or had done something, or stood up for someone, or kept our mouths shut, or avoided a situation. We all have regrets. The key is to apologize and move on.

"Who would've thought it would end up like this?"

--- The Script "Before the Worst"

Bring on the Wonder

I guess I'm just looking for something simpler. Angela Montenegro (Bones) said, "Childhood should be all about swings: How high can I go? If I twist the chains how fast will I spin? Or if I try and jump off before the swing stops, how far will I go?" I believe this about life. Life's a playground. We run around. We have a good time. Sometimes we fall down and scrape a knee, but somebody's always there to kiss it. We spin around and around on the merry-go-round. We go up and down the slide. The more daring of us try going down different ways: on our backs, on our stomachs, head first. We struggle across the monkey bars and sometimes someone has to hold us up so we can get across. We slowly make it across the rickety, wiggly bridge. We go back and forth on the swing. Sometimes someone pushes us, and we soar higher and higher. The trees reach their limbs down to us and offer us a handful of leaves. We grab the leaves with a feeling of triumph. The heavens look down on us and wrap us in a beautiful, cloudless sky. Then we head over to the sand pit where we dig for hidden treasures. We are carefree, whimsical, beautiful, and free. We know that someone is watching over us at all times. We know that they're a scream away. We know that no one ever could ever harm us because our somebody is watching. The playground is harmless and dangerous. It's familiar and unknown. It's predictable and an adventure. We get hurt, we heal, we cry, and we're comforted. It all ends in the same thing: at the end of the day we lie down, sleep, and dream about another playground. One with more slides, swings, and sand.

I just want the simplicity of this scenario. I like the idea of safety and freedom without worry or fear. I want fun and purposefulness. Kids on a playground seem purposeless, but they have a purpose: to experience as many things on the playground as many times as possible before their somebody says it's time to go. Maybe our purpose in life should be to experience as many things as possible as many times as possible before we die. We just have to remember that playgrounds are harmless. Life should harmless. It isn't, but it should be. We have to learn to avoid the dangerous things, the dangerous people. As soon as we embrace this childlike view, we will learn to truly appreciate life. Who knows, maybe we'll find that other kid that throws sand in your eyes, and pushes you off the slide. The kid that gives you a ring made of a worm, or a straw wrapper. The kid that gets his best friend to be the preacher when you two get married underneath the jungle gym. The kid that you somehow know you're going to love forever. The kid that makes you smile like a fool. You'll find happiness on the playground. I'll find happiness on the playground… if not today, then tomorrow.

"The silence isn't so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."

--- Owl City "Vanilla Twilight"

I Love You, but I’ve Chosen Darkness

The only consistent part of life is its inconsistency. The only dependable thing about life is that it's undependable. Life comes around and it knocks us off our feet... Then we ask ourselves, "what just happened?" Life just happened, that's what! There is no easy way around life. You either get caught in the whirlwind and swept away, forgotten and you're completely without impact, or you take life by the horns and you blow through, leaving your mark and changing lives. Ultimately, the choice is yours.

The tragedy of life is its unpredictability. There is no way to know that tomorrow your parents are going to be in an accident, or your sister is going to break her leg, or the person you love more than anything else is going to break your heart. There is no way to see the future and we don't get guarantees. We don't get promises. We don't get a road map. All we get is a pat on the back and an "off you go."

The most difficult concept of life is its finality. This is it. There will be no more todays. Life is full of yesterdays. This is the only July 31, 2010. This is the only last Saturday in July we get. We can't turn back time. We can't unsay words. We can't undo our mistakes. We can't un-not keep promises. Everything we do is final. Second chances don't come around often, but when they do, take them. Not everybody gets a chance for a new beginning.

Life isn't easy or simple. Life's a struggle. It's a daily quest. A nightly battle. An hourly journey. It's the only hope we have to make something of ourselves. This is the only chance we have to be someone. We're only promised right now. Our hearts could stop beating anytime. At any point, Providence could decide that our time is up. So cease the moment. Tell loved ones how you feel. Take chances. Make changes. Be honest. And always remember to cherish every moment.

"Sometimes the price we end up paying for one bad choice isn't commensurate with the offence."

--- Angel "Angel"

With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept

People move on. Time goes on. The Earth spins on. Everything continues. Even in our darkest hours, even when our hearts are broken beyond virtual repair, even when our lives are in shambles, even when our worlds are upside down, life goes on. The world around us doesn't stop just because we do. People still walk their dogs, and get married, and make pancakes, and shop for shoes, and download music, and smoke cigarettes, and read books, and paint pictures. Everything around us continues as it was. Usually, the world is completely unaware of your grief, completely oblivious to your heartache. Usually, you are alone in your grief… or at least you think you are. It's sad, but it's a fact. Life doesn't stop for anybody.

It's easy for us to try to make it all about us. It's easy for us to get angry that people do their everyday mundane things when something so terrible has happened. When there is so many reasons for sadness, how could they make Mikey Mouse pancakes for little Jimmy, or download the latest Explosions in the Sky CD? How can they continue on when we're locked down with misery? It's easy to forget that the person we lost, or the opportunity we missed, or the mistake we made didn't affect our next door neighbors, or the man in the cubical three over, or the girl in the coffee shop, or the waiter at Mario's. It's easy for us to forget, but there's something that we must remember.

Sometimes, we have to be on our own. Sometimes it has to be just us. Alone with our minds. Alone with our souls. Alone with the busy world. Sometimes, in life, we will find ourselves without a companion to walk the dark, dank, dingy halls of life. And sometimes life will seem more like hell. It will seem more like punishment, or penance, or purgatory. But it's okay to be alone. It's okay and it's healthy. A chance to renew, a change to refresh, a chance to think, a chance to grow, and maybe even a chance to learn. Maybe we'll even learn to laugh again… or at least smile.

"Beginnings are
usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that
makes in all worth living."

--- Birdee Pruitt
"Hope Floats"

Searching for a Former Clarity

There is something truly beautiful about tragedy. It's poetic and deep and heartbreaking. It knocks us off our feet and makes us lose our breath. It's horrible, because usually there's nothing we can do about it. And usually we're just screwed. We have to deal with our sorrows, and that's all there ever really is to it. There's never really anything anyone can say to us. Nothing really helps. No amount of "I'm so sorries," or "I am here for yous." Nothing can dull the pain of tragedy. The horrible thing is, there's a reason why.

Tragedy always seems to come to when we're most happy. When we've seemed to have gotten everything we wanted. When things are finally looking up. It's as if tragedy is punishment for being a little too happy. It's as if we upset some cosmic balance. Like maybe our lives are supposed to be made of some parts misery and some parts happy, and if we ever happen to tip the scales either way, the universe has to make up for it. And it always seems to be easier to tip the scales towards happiness than to misery. Somewhere out there, there has to be some supreme judge that decides what everything is worth: happiness or sadness, one point or three. He decides what we've got coming. New Baby? Death in the family? Proposal? Heartbreak? It's all ultimately His decision. No matter how much I want to believe that it is coincidence or fate that something happen, I can't. We're all just pawns in His game. We're His toys and He decides what happens to us. We have no fate, we have only arbitrary whims. Tragedy is cruelty done to us. Maybe I am victimizing us too much, but there has to be some reason why our happiness is always tainted by misery.

As tragic as this shocking news is, there is still something beautiful about tragedy. There's growth and knowledge and revelation and healing and new beginnings in tragedy. There is faith and hope and belief in tragedy. And from it spawns a new creation like a sapling that grows out of the remnants of a mighty tree. And most of all there is strength. Strength to know that next time He reaps havoc in our lives, it won't sting quite as bad.

"Every day we ignore how truly
broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all going to be okay. But it's
not going to be okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no
magic in the world...at least today there isn't."
--- Haley James Scott "One Tree Hill"

An Attempt to Tip the Scales

Sometimes it is too hard to be your own person. Life gets you down, you start stressing and you're too sad to act unique. Sometimes you just want to blend, and that's alright. Sometimes it is far too complicated to choose your own path and sometimes you have to be a parasite. It's okay to find someone you're comfortable with and intertwine your two fates for a while.

Best friends and boyfriends, parents and siblings, mentors and psychologists, these are people that can help us get from point A to point B in our lives. It's okay to be dependent for a while. It's okay to grieve and need someone to take care of you for a while. It's not a bad thing to be a little too trusting. Maybe you will get your heart broken… again, but at least you've managed to get some perspective. The day you stop trusting everyone but yourself, is the day you lose yourself.

Sometimes we just can't help but like the way a certain person makes us feel. Sometimes that one smile does brighten our lives a bit in the mornings. And the sound of that one voice makes us think of butterflies and rainbows and a happily-ever-after endings. And all the while we're thinking about how awful it is to feel that way because we're going to get "too close."

But maybe those feelings are just what we need. Maybe we were made to feel that way and maybe we're not strong enough to deal with grief on our own. "Anything that softens the blow," people say. Maybe there is truth in that statement. Maybe when we lose someone, but find someone else, there is a reason. Maybe we don't have to feel guilty about not dealing with things solo. Maybe we need comfort too. Why shouldn't we move on? Maybe there is hope. Maybe I just found it?

"Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of
disappointed love."
--- Jane Austen "Northanger Abbey"

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends

Sometimes we beat ourselves up over the choices we've made. It can be hard to know which choice is the right one and which is the wrong one. The trick is to move on after you've made the choice. You have to trust yourself and your instincts. You have to trust that you did what was best for you. When you're young, that is really all that matters, taking care of yourself. But, we have to be honest, and that's the real pain.

Sometimes in an effort to move forward in our lives, we hurt the people around us. It not so bad for us but horrible for them. And sometimes they feel like their worlds are coming down around them. And sometimes they get angry and bitter. Sometimes they try to change with you and you both feel uncomfortable. In the end it's our fault, though. Also in the end, it doesn't matter. We've got to do what we've got to do. In the end it is their problem and they have to deal with it.

Maybe they should've been stronger people. Maybe they should've been more independent. Maybe they just need to move on. But we should still be big enough people to admit we hurt them. We can't live in denial about inflicted pain. Maybe we should try to help them get over it a little. No matter what, we need to be honest with ourselves. I think Belgica Howell had it right when she said "never explain yourself. Your friends won't need it and your enemies won't believe it." If someone truly cared about you, they'll see why you had to move on and understand. They'll deal with their pain and move on and they'll be there if your worlds ever connect again. The thing to remember is this: all the time you were together made you who you are.

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made
unbreakable."

-- The Wizard of Oz "The Novel"