We Three (My Echo, My Shadow, and Me)

I think that most of us know people are going to disappoint us. Most of us have come to accept that. We've come to expect that. I believe that most of us know that we are not always going to be happy with people. We're going to argue, and get our feelings hurt, and receive broken hearts. Being disappointed us is not the scary part. The scary thing is waking up one day and realizing that we are the disappointment. That is the thought that keeps us up at night. That is the nightmare that makes us sweat in our beds. There is nothing scarier than finding out that you are the problem.

Here is some logic: If we expect people to disappoint us, then they expect to be disappointed too. Any rationally, if people are going to disappoint us, then we're going to disappoint people too. It's a harsh reality, but it makes sense. We start arguments. We hurt people's feelings. We give broken hearts. Sometimes we won't add up to someone's standard. We will inevitably fall short sometime. None of us know what we're doing. We're looking for some semblance of a connection, but we don't actually connect with people until we make it through the hard times with them. Maybe this life is a journey. Maybe there is a start and a finish. Maybe we have a purpose. Maybe we're just here. We're all still looking for something. And when we disappoint someone during that search, we feel remorse. We have regrets. All of us do. Even those of us that say we don't do. We all wish we hadn't done something, or had done something, or stood up for someone, or kept our mouths shut, or avoided a situation. We all have regrets. The key is to apologize and move on.

"Who would've thought it would end up like this?"

--- The Script "Before the Worst"

Bring on the Wonder

I guess I'm just looking for something simpler. Angela Montenegro (Bones) said, "Childhood should be all about swings: How high can I go? If I twist the chains how fast will I spin? Or if I try and jump off before the swing stops, how far will I go?" I believe this about life. Life's a playground. We run around. We have a good time. Sometimes we fall down and scrape a knee, but somebody's always there to kiss it. We spin around and around on the merry-go-round. We go up and down the slide. The more daring of us try going down different ways: on our backs, on our stomachs, head first. We struggle across the monkey bars and sometimes someone has to hold us up so we can get across. We slowly make it across the rickety, wiggly bridge. We go back and forth on the swing. Sometimes someone pushes us, and we soar higher and higher. The trees reach their limbs down to us and offer us a handful of leaves. We grab the leaves with a feeling of triumph. The heavens look down on us and wrap us in a beautiful, cloudless sky. Then we head over to the sand pit where we dig for hidden treasures. We are carefree, whimsical, beautiful, and free. We know that someone is watching over us at all times. We know that they're a scream away. We know that no one ever could ever harm us because our somebody is watching. The playground is harmless and dangerous. It's familiar and unknown. It's predictable and an adventure. We get hurt, we heal, we cry, and we're comforted. It all ends in the same thing: at the end of the day we lie down, sleep, and dream about another playground. One with more slides, swings, and sand.

I just want the simplicity of this scenario. I like the idea of safety and freedom without worry or fear. I want fun and purposefulness. Kids on a playground seem purposeless, but they have a purpose: to experience as many things on the playground as many times as possible before their somebody says it's time to go. Maybe our purpose in life should be to experience as many things as possible as many times as possible before we die. We just have to remember that playgrounds are harmless. Life should harmless. It isn't, but it should be. We have to learn to avoid the dangerous things, the dangerous people. As soon as we embrace this childlike view, we will learn to truly appreciate life. Who knows, maybe we'll find that other kid that throws sand in your eyes, and pushes you off the slide. The kid that gives you a ring made of a worm, or a straw wrapper. The kid that gets his best friend to be the preacher when you two get married underneath the jungle gym. The kid that you somehow know you're going to love forever. The kid that makes you smile like a fool. You'll find happiness on the playground. I'll find happiness on the playground… if not today, then tomorrow.

"The silence isn't so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."

--- Owl City "Vanilla Twilight"

I Love You, but I’ve Chosen Darkness

The only consistent part of life is its inconsistency. The only dependable thing about life is that it's undependable. Life comes around and it knocks us off our feet... Then we ask ourselves, "what just happened?" Life just happened, that's what! There is no easy way around life. You either get caught in the whirlwind and swept away, forgotten and you're completely without impact, or you take life by the horns and you blow through, leaving your mark and changing lives. Ultimately, the choice is yours.

The tragedy of life is its unpredictability. There is no way to know that tomorrow your parents are going to be in an accident, or your sister is going to break her leg, or the person you love more than anything else is going to break your heart. There is no way to see the future and we don't get guarantees. We don't get promises. We don't get a road map. All we get is a pat on the back and an "off you go."

The most difficult concept of life is its finality. This is it. There will be no more todays. Life is full of yesterdays. This is the only July 31, 2010. This is the only last Saturday in July we get. We can't turn back time. We can't unsay words. We can't undo our mistakes. We can't un-not keep promises. Everything we do is final. Second chances don't come around often, but when they do, take them. Not everybody gets a chance for a new beginning.

Life isn't easy or simple. Life's a struggle. It's a daily quest. A nightly battle. An hourly journey. It's the only hope we have to make something of ourselves. This is the only chance we have to be someone. We're only promised right now. Our hearts could stop beating anytime. At any point, Providence could decide that our time is up. So cease the moment. Tell loved ones how you feel. Take chances. Make changes. Be honest. And always remember to cherish every moment.

"Sometimes the price we end up paying for one bad choice isn't commensurate with the offence."

--- Angel "Angel"

With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept

People move on. Time goes on. The Earth spins on. Everything continues. Even in our darkest hours, even when our hearts are broken beyond virtual repair, even when our lives are in shambles, even when our worlds are upside down, life goes on. The world around us doesn't stop just because we do. People still walk their dogs, and get married, and make pancakes, and shop for shoes, and download music, and smoke cigarettes, and read books, and paint pictures. Everything around us continues as it was. Usually, the world is completely unaware of your grief, completely oblivious to your heartache. Usually, you are alone in your grief… or at least you think you are. It's sad, but it's a fact. Life doesn't stop for anybody.

It's easy for us to try to make it all about us. It's easy for us to get angry that people do their everyday mundane things when something so terrible has happened. When there is so many reasons for sadness, how could they make Mikey Mouse pancakes for little Jimmy, or download the latest Explosions in the Sky CD? How can they continue on when we're locked down with misery? It's easy to forget that the person we lost, or the opportunity we missed, or the mistake we made didn't affect our next door neighbors, or the man in the cubical three over, or the girl in the coffee shop, or the waiter at Mario's. It's easy for us to forget, but there's something that we must remember.

Sometimes, we have to be on our own. Sometimes it has to be just us. Alone with our minds. Alone with our souls. Alone with the busy world. Sometimes, in life, we will find ourselves without a companion to walk the dark, dank, dingy halls of life. And sometimes life will seem more like hell. It will seem more like punishment, or penance, or purgatory. But it's okay to be alone. It's okay and it's healthy. A chance to renew, a change to refresh, a chance to think, a chance to grow, and maybe even a chance to learn. Maybe we'll even learn to laugh again… or at least smile.

"Beginnings are
usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that
makes in all worth living."

--- Birdee Pruitt
"Hope Floats"

Searching for a Former Clarity

There is something truly beautiful about tragedy. It's poetic and deep and heartbreaking. It knocks us off our feet and makes us lose our breath. It's horrible, because usually there's nothing we can do about it. And usually we're just screwed. We have to deal with our sorrows, and that's all there ever really is to it. There's never really anything anyone can say to us. Nothing really helps. No amount of "I'm so sorries," or "I am here for yous." Nothing can dull the pain of tragedy. The horrible thing is, there's a reason why.

Tragedy always seems to come to when we're most happy. When we've seemed to have gotten everything we wanted. When things are finally looking up. It's as if tragedy is punishment for being a little too happy. It's as if we upset some cosmic balance. Like maybe our lives are supposed to be made of some parts misery and some parts happy, and if we ever happen to tip the scales either way, the universe has to make up for it. And it always seems to be easier to tip the scales towards happiness than to misery. Somewhere out there, there has to be some supreme judge that decides what everything is worth: happiness or sadness, one point or three. He decides what we've got coming. New Baby? Death in the family? Proposal? Heartbreak? It's all ultimately His decision. No matter how much I want to believe that it is coincidence or fate that something happen, I can't. We're all just pawns in His game. We're His toys and He decides what happens to us. We have no fate, we have only arbitrary whims. Tragedy is cruelty done to us. Maybe I am victimizing us too much, but there has to be some reason why our happiness is always tainted by misery.

As tragic as this shocking news is, there is still something beautiful about tragedy. There's growth and knowledge and revelation and healing and new beginnings in tragedy. There is faith and hope and belief in tragedy. And from it spawns a new creation like a sapling that grows out of the remnants of a mighty tree. And most of all there is strength. Strength to know that next time He reaps havoc in our lives, it won't sting quite as bad.

"Every day we ignore how truly
broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all going to be okay. But it's
not going to be okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no
magic in the world...at least today there isn't."
--- Haley James Scott "One Tree Hill"

An Attempt to Tip the Scales

Sometimes it is too hard to be your own person. Life gets you down, you start stressing and you're too sad to act unique. Sometimes you just want to blend, and that's alright. Sometimes it is far too complicated to choose your own path and sometimes you have to be a parasite. It's okay to find someone you're comfortable with and intertwine your two fates for a while.

Best friends and boyfriends, parents and siblings, mentors and psychologists, these are people that can help us get from point A to point B in our lives. It's okay to be dependent for a while. It's okay to grieve and need someone to take care of you for a while. It's not a bad thing to be a little too trusting. Maybe you will get your heart broken… again, but at least you've managed to get some perspective. The day you stop trusting everyone but yourself, is the day you lose yourself.

Sometimes we just can't help but like the way a certain person makes us feel. Sometimes that one smile does brighten our lives a bit in the mornings. And the sound of that one voice makes us think of butterflies and rainbows and a happily-ever-after endings. And all the while we're thinking about how awful it is to feel that way because we're going to get "too close."

But maybe those feelings are just what we need. Maybe we were made to feel that way and maybe we're not strong enough to deal with grief on our own. "Anything that softens the blow," people say. Maybe there is truth in that statement. Maybe when we lose someone, but find someone else, there is a reason. Maybe we don't have to feel guilty about not dealing with things solo. Maybe we need comfort too. Why shouldn't we move on? Maybe there is hope. Maybe I just found it?

"Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of
disappointed love."
--- Jane Austen "Northanger Abbey"

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends

Sometimes we beat ourselves up over the choices we've made. It can be hard to know which choice is the right one and which is the wrong one. The trick is to move on after you've made the choice. You have to trust yourself and your instincts. You have to trust that you did what was best for you. When you're young, that is really all that matters, taking care of yourself. But, we have to be honest, and that's the real pain.

Sometimes in an effort to move forward in our lives, we hurt the people around us. It not so bad for us but horrible for them. And sometimes they feel like their worlds are coming down around them. And sometimes they get angry and bitter. Sometimes they try to change with you and you both feel uncomfortable. In the end it's our fault, though. Also in the end, it doesn't matter. We've got to do what we've got to do. In the end it is their problem and they have to deal with it.

Maybe they should've been stronger people. Maybe they should've been more independent. Maybe they just need to move on. But we should still be big enough people to admit we hurt them. We can't live in denial about inflicted pain. Maybe we should try to help them get over it a little. No matter what, we need to be honest with ourselves. I think Belgica Howell had it right when she said "never explain yourself. Your friends won't need it and your enemies won't believe it." If someone truly cared about you, they'll see why you had to move on and understand. They'll deal with their pain and move on and they'll be there if your worlds ever connect again. The thing to remember is this: all the time you were together made you who you are.

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made
unbreakable."

-- The Wizard of Oz "The Novel"

The Tide That Left and Never Came Back

People always leave. If there's one thing I have learned, it's that. People are reliable that way. Sometimes it kills us, and sometimes it's a relief. Sometimes we are completely grief stricken, and sometimes we are consumed with delight. When they walk out and shut the doors in our lives, everything changes. We have to adjust, and learn, and grow. We have to get strong. We have to get tough.

People just don't love us the way they're supposed to. Dad's abandon their kids. Boyfriends act like jerks. Best friends move away. Families drift apart. We push people away. Drive them away. Scare them away. Laugh them away. Shoo them away. Sometimes it is our fault and then we have to deal with the guilt and loneliness and heartbreak and pain.

Maybe that's why music is so popular. We can listen to songs about people that are seemingly going through the same thing as you are. You can use music to fill the void that that "jackass" left when he left a jackass shaped hole in your wall. Music doesn't disappoint. You can change the song or CD or choose what goes on your iPod. You can pick your music by exact specifications and always find something. New music always comes around. Music seems to be the better companion in most aspects. Hell, you can even have "conversations" with music. Music heals you, nurses your wounds, and comforts you.

But life isn't that easy. We'd probably all die of shock if it were. Life is hard. And it's messy. And it sucks. But it's also exciting and wonderful and deep and poetic. And the people that come in and (inevitably) out of our lives help shape us into who we are. And we form bonds with those people. And we grow to love those people. And we share secrets with those people. And that gives them the power to hurt us. The power to break us. The power to kill us. But also the power to free us. The power to win us. The power to save us. People always leave… but sometimes they come back.

"There is always inequality in life. Some men are killed in war and some men are wounded and some men never leave the country. Life is unfair."

--- John F. Kennedy

Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

It's kind of funny the way music knows your emotions before you do. It's as if music can see the depths of your soul. Maybe it's just musicians. Maybe musicians can see deeper into the human psyche than most people can. Music washes over you and suddenly, you feel happy or sad or hurt or angry. And the awesome thing is there is music for every single emotion known to man. Turning on the radio is usually a bust because all the mainstream knows are these sappy little love songs. The thing is real people know better.

Real people know better than to believe that you can walk up to someone and say "hey, you belong with me, not her", that you can live happily ever after with the person that's just as screwed in the head as you are, or that someone would be willing to accept your "can't be tamed" attitude. Most people know this, granted some people deny it, but that's why mainstream "music" fails.

It's those bands and singers that no one really knows about that are the true musicians. They are the ones that know the human heart and all its quirks. They're not known because they don't sell out by writing crappy songs about "perfect happiness." They know it doesn't really exist. You are going to end up with a broken heart sometimes… or breaking someone's heart. They are well aware that Romeo and Juliet died. They know that all good things come with a sacrifice. Love, happiness, life… it's not easy. In fact, they're difficult. And they aren't neat and tidy, they're messy as hell. But because of that, music… good music can save you from those emotions by providing the words to "get them off your chest." And the best part is, knowing how you feel makes you stronger.

"Love is a not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

--- Kate Voegele "Hallelujah cover"

Good News for People who Love Bad News

Broken hearts hurt worse in silence. Maybe that's why we play music when we're depressed. We try to drown our sorrows out in the twisted melodies of the world's saddest songs.

"This bitter pill is leaving you with such an angry mouth." "It is best to keep it all inside, when the quicksand fills your boots and rises past your eyes, it is better to die suffocating and choking on your pride."

The sadness tends to come out easier when you can let lyrics express it for you. When music puts into words the emotions that you can't. When music tells you how you feel, it's all so much easier. It the darkness of your bedroom, surrounded by your favorite posters, cuddly stuffed animals, or best candles, you can let the tears flow to a soundtrack of bitterness. It's easier to turn your life into this heartbreaking, tragic mess than to take it as it truly is. Because the truth is, sometimes we're not strong enough to handle reality. And music helps us do that. Music is the conversion factor. And the sadder the song, the worse your tragedy… And the really pathetic thing is, we cry.

"I want to believe in it all again... Music and art, fate and love... And I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes I've made... I guess I want hope."

--- Peyton Sawyer "One Tree Hill"

Seven Dreams ‘Til Tuesday

Oh, to dream a thousand dreams and never see them manifest. To dream is to yield a mighty weapon with the mind. To dream is believe with all the heart that anything is possible, without the struggle of faith. To dream is the inward belief that you are capable of everything without the rationale of the mind. In your dreams, you can be anyone. In your dreams you always get the prince and the dream house. In your dream it doesn't matter who you are, because wonderful things always happen. In your dreams, you don't have to worry about "possible."

Let me tell you about my dreams. In my dreams, there is a prince. And yes, he's handsome. I don't want a macho rowdy guy, I want the sensitive type. You know the guy that even if he's had plenty of "girlfriends", he still remembers the first girl he liked, he remembers her name. I want the guy that is willing to talk to me as an equal. I don't want to be beneath or above him. I want us to be partners. In my dreams, the guy is by no means perfect, just perfect for me. He's funny, sweet, and caring. In my dreams, the guy never buys me flowers. The guy buys me books. In my dreams, the guy takes me on spontaneous trips to Mexico. The guy brings me home to meet his all too willing parents. The guy lets me wear his clothes. In my dreams, the guy never pressures me for sex. In my dreams, the guy can do sixty pull ups before ever breaking a sweat. In my dreams, the guy likes to take me to fancy restaurants where I can wear floor length, backless, red gowns and he wears a tux. In my dreams, all of this is possible.

My dreams are only the typical "girly" dreams, however. In my dreams, I am wildly successful. I have degrees and honors. I have recognitions and awards. In my dreams, I am a doctor, a lawyer, and a psychologist. In my dreams, I am special. I am fabulously wealthy, wonderfully rich, and fantastically well off. In my dreams, the money does not matter. I give a lot of it away. I personally finance outings into the Amazon jungle to vaccinate children, to Africa to plant schools and orphanages, to china to smuggle Bibles. In my dreams, I go to Europe for complicated study programs, to Israel to walk the Way of Suffering. In my dreams, the President calls me personally for weaponry programming. In my dreams, I am a profiler in collaboration with the FBI. In my dreams, I perform complex surgeries on brains, hearts, and nerves. In my dreams, I am a federal prosecutor. In my dreams, I am a shark. My dreams are wonderful and countless.

"Here we are, all of us, basically alone, separate creatures, just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking 'Oh there's nobody out there for me,' but all of us, we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in a while... Every once in a while, two people meet and there's that spark, and yes, Bones, he's handsome and she's beautiful and maybe that's all they see at first, but falling in love... falling love... that's when two people become one"

-Agent Seeley Booth-

What Am I Doing?

Another day has come and gone, and I am still wondering what I am to do with my life. I want so badly to serve both God and humanity, but I have no clue how. I know exactly what I want, but I am so afraid of stepping out of God's precious will. I need to know His will, and I want to know His will, but I cannot know His will because I take not the steps toward knowing His will. Everyday my soul screams a little louder for me to give up the fight. To allow God to take over my life, is the only chance I have and my very being screams it out to me. However, a part of me still thinks I can handle my life. I am smart, I am not naïve, I am tough, and I am strong. A part of me truly believes that these attributes alone will get me through life with no trouble. Sure, I will tack the name of God onto all I do. My Facebook will always say "Christian" under religious views. I will go to church on Sundays and maybe Wednesdays if I feel up to it. I will pray when I feel pressured, thank God when I get myself promoted, and be the first to say it was "all because of God" I am where I am. Heck, I might even make it into Heaven. Nevertheless, by the time I got there, I would realize that I lived my whole life with God at an arm's length: close enough to grab in an emergency, but far enough for me to be comfortable living life my way without His intervention. Nothing I did would really make it through the fire, and, although I made it into Heaven, I would be guilty knowing that my whole life, which was full of promise and opportunity, was thrown away for a life of frivolity and selfishness. I do not want that to happen to me. I do not want to waste the life God has blessed me with on myself alone. I need to open up and let God in. But how can I when I've spend so much time building these walls to let no one in?

“If Music Be the Food of Love, Play On…”

I watched The Last Song tonight. Last week I had finished the book. Overall, it was an awesome story. It touched my heart in a way only a musician would understand. See, music does something to my soul. It speaks to my heart. It whispers to my feelings. It soothes my mind. Music is the only medium that can skip right past your intellect and go straight to your heart. This is scientifically proven. The Last Song was written for musicians. It inspired me to start playing again. I haven't really played in about a year. I was feeling uninspired and useless. My piano used to be my solace. It used to be my peace in the crazy life. I need to find that place again. I need that place in my life where something makes sense. Notes arranged perfectly, beautifully, meticulously on a page has always brought me peace. There is something so brilliant and magnificent about music. There is something so poignant about compositions. Take into consideration Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. It sounds sad, suspenseful, melancholy, rich, reverent, and hopeful all at the same time. I can appreciate every movement, every shift, and every note. I can see the reason for every single aspect of it. I can see why it is all needed. I can see why.

Parents & Friendship

Unfortunately, parents do not know everything all the time. Parents have no idea what it is that teenagers are forced to go through. They are very often quick to judge because they have "been there before". They have a tendency to make rash generalizations about "kids these days", and never stop to think about what the implications of their words are. I think the times change rapidly. What was true of one generation is not always true of another. The truth of the matter is this: No one mother, father, son, or daughter knows all things, on all subject matter, in all occasions, all the time. That would mean perfection, and perfection is impossible. We were born sinners. We are inherently bad people. I know this, but I need to know why parents, mothers especially, think they have teenage-dom down to an art. Having it all figured out is a false idea. Moreover, if you think you can confide in your parents without it coming back to bite you in the butt, you have another thing coming. I don't know why we expect so much from our mere mortal parents, but it is the honest truth. Your parents are full of wisdom that you should heed. But be careful not to fall into the "judgmental" trap.

My next rant is completely unrelated. I keep coming back to the relationship problem. Today it's not about a knight in shining armor, dating, or "true love" (whatever that is) it's about friendship. Some friendships come in and out of your life. Sometimes you can pick up exactly where you left off and you can talk with an ease like breathing. Some friendships just come naturally. My friendship with Jill, for example, is second nature to me. We can barely talk to for months then suddenly begin talking for hours a day. There are other friendships, however, that take true effort. These friendships, if left unattended, are hard to pick up again. Awkward silences fill the time you are together and the conversations are somehow lacking in the conviction of friendship, kindness, and comfort. You can live without these friendships usually. These are the mere acquaintances. The person you talk to during fifth period English, your gym partner, or friend from youth group. These are people that know only the basics of you. Those people have almost no power over you. If they were to walk straight out of your life, it absolutely would not matter. Strange isn't it? Both are important, but one is true. Study yourself. Be careful. And keep the true ones close.

Life or Maybe Something Like It

I keep on wonder if this is all worth it. Striving for fame, success, money, love, and acceptance. We all search, grope, and vie for these things. They never make us happy. These things make us realize our incredibly deep need for something more in this life. I know God is the answer, but I am having a hard time adjusting my equation to match. I can't seem to make 2+2=4. I need to find a way to make this make sense. I need God to fit. I need life to have meaning. I do not want regrets. I do not want life to be like this. I need something MORE.

Jimmy Eat World

"Over" - Soundtrack to my night

Every Wednesday Mr. Koehler asks me, "So what's on your heart, Brook?" Every Wednesday I convey to him my frustration, desperation, or appreciation with God and life. Today I didn't talk to Mr. Koehler, so I am going to talk to you all instead. I feel empty lately. It's weird, because I shouldn't, and I know that. I know I am empty too. I am empty because I am not putting enough effort into this whole "seeking God" thing. You know I read about these awesome people in the Bible, and it breaks my heart. They obeyed and sought God through everything. David obeyed God's Word when he really didn't have to, Daniel obeyed and sought Him though he faced death, Moses chased after Him though he had all he needed from life, Paul obeyed His call through beatings, imprisionment, and eventually death. It's painful for me to read about these awesome men of God who obeyed Him through every single situation. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like crap. It makes me want to quit because I know that I will NEVER be able to be as great as that. The only thing is this: Even if I could never be as great, I'll never know if I never try to move on. I know I want to move on. I know I want to seek God, and I know I want to find Him. That's all for now, I'm falling asleep at my keyboard.

Falling Far From the Tree

Breathing is so hard sometimes. It's like the air gets caught in my throat. I just stop breathing, and my heart hurts. It hurts so bad. There's a hole in my chest; a massive, gaping, bleeding hole. The tender ragged edges of my torso burn with the salt of life. My heart frantically beats as it desperately attempts to push blood through my body. My eyelids flutter as my blood pressure drops. Everything aches, and nothing makes sense. This is how I felt last week, but somebody came in and stitched me together. He healed me. He poured his blood into veins, and breathed life into my mouth. He was God. God saved me, again. It's like I was drowning, and He pulled me out. So, I've been trying to learn to listen to God's voice. Let me tell you something, it is not the easiest thing to do. Mr. Koehler says that it is the single most important skill on the planet. He says that it takes practice, and I'll make mistakes, but that it is completely worth it. I think that he's right. The craziest thing is that, I feel 39853498498 times better on days when I get up, pray, read my Bible, and meditate. Okay days where I did that the night before. My task right now is to attempt to be a respectful as possible to all persons. Sometimes I can be harsh, I'm just joking, but there are seriously fragile people in my sphere of influence. So, that's my mission, and God's grace is sufficient for even me.

Next up: I've watched part of Valentine's Day, the last 10 minutes of Leap Year, and I am now watching A Cinderella Story. Unfortunately, these are all love stories, and these are all movies that make me examine my romantic life; my relationship status. I'm single, I'm alone, but I don't mind. Seriously, I have finally become okay with not having "The One" in my life right now. Used to I would fantasize all day long about meeting him. Meeting the one I'd spend my life with, but now I'm happy knowing God has someone for me, I'll meet him in due time, and there is an ultimate, unfolding plan for our relationship. There are still some days when I think about who it might be, and I still have a playlist labeled "Love Songs" on my iPod, but I'm much happier being a strong, independent young woman.

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words,

which laid the foundation. It is too long ago.

I was in the middle before I knew that
I had begun."

- 'Mr. Darcy' Pride and Prejudice

Growing Up and Moving On (On Friendship and Loss)

The world is an unfriendly place these days. It's becoming more and more impertinent that you choose your friends very carefully. Sometimes it's hard to tell who's true and who isn't. The feeling of being stabbed in the back isn't one that I would wish on anyone. When you realize that your "best friend" acts more like your nemesis, you begin to think "where did I go wrong?" Worse than that, is the realization that someone you dearly loved has changed so much that you wish they had stabbed you in the back, then, at least, you could pin point the emotion, the hurt, and feel angry about it. When someone you love changes, things just get very blurry. You're angry, hurt, and understanding. You're mad, and sad, and glad. You're angry because someone just ended, whether a friendship or a relationship, it ended and you don't get closure for that, things just end. You're hurt because you feel like you weren't good enough, and your understanding because people have a right to change if they want to. Even when you say you're okay with the situation, the next time you see that person all those emotions resurface and you realize, once again, that that one person use to mean the world to you. They used to understand you and help you. They used to laugh at you in the sweetest way and joke with you about crazy, stupid things. They used to be your confidant, your kindred spirit. All that is gone and you're left with the bitter after taste of the sentimental binds there. Suddenly the heartstrings of your soul ache and you feel a bit emptier. You brace yourself because you know it's going to be a long night, you're going to go over every detail of your past relationship and try to pin point the origin of the problem, but you will never find it. You'll never find it because there isn't one. One day the person had a small voice that said try something different in his or her head, so they did. Then, a few weeks later a louder voice said do something different, so they did. Then a few more weeks later, an even louder voice shouted be something different, so they listened again. At first it probably scared them but as the first few weeks went by it wasn't so bad. By the second voice, they were interested and a bit more than a tad curious. But by the third voice, they were hooked, addicted, lost. They were in a spiraling vortex. Not necessarily spiraling down, just spiraling. They were dizzy and exhilarated. They were happy and excited. They came out of the vortex a different person. It might not have been a change for the worse, not a change for the better, just a change, a change completely different from what you knew. You probably tried to ignore it at first, then you tried to play along, then you tried to adapt; failing miserably at all the steps, you did the only thing you had left to do: you walked away. You didn't walk away because you stopped loving the person, because you changed your mind, or because you were offended, you walked away with your dignity intact, swearing there was nothing wrong that everything was "cool". You walked away because the change in the person hurt you to see, because you had to admit that you two were now completely incompatible. You were forced to see that you two were just old friends, whose friendship had long since dried up and were hung on the tree of memories. You walked away because you decided they needed their breathing room, and you needed yours. You walked away because although you loved the person in front of you with more passion than you had ever felt in your life, things were just too strange, too different, and too strained to continue as you once were. This is for all you girls who have had your hearts broken by retarded guys, all you guys who have been used by shameless girls, all you people who have lost friends: All people change, just not at the same time, when change happens, don't curse at the sky and shake your fists at God, admit to yourselves that it happens and move on. You'll find happier things in the future, healing and growth in the road ahead.

Music is a form of God

Definately not, but it made a good title. Let me tell you something random about life... A good song is food for the mind and soul. A good song can change your life. A good song can make you cry, laugh, scream, dance, smile, or pout. A good song is anything you want it to be.

My Top 3 of the Minute:

1. 10,000 Stones - Adrianne
2. Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy
3. Misguided Ghosts - Paramore

Pain

My heart hurts. I'm in pain. I feel so lost. I feel alone and no one understands. There's no one around to talk to me. No one that would care. People say I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am, but I can't really help how I feel. All I do anymore is drown out the pain with loud music, excessive television (which I hate), or sleep. Breathing hurts. Living hurts. I don't know what's wrong. Actually, I must be feeling sorry for myself because I've been thinking about my Ex. God knows I dont need to go do memory lane there. That was a horrible relationship. I just want a friend really. I miss Jill with a burning, yearning passion. She is my best friend. My true kinderd spirit. My heart breaks with each day we do not talk. I need her. I need someone. My own mother and father push me away... It hurts me. I'm all anguish and I need to see the light.

I'm not really in love with the way I ended this entry... So I am editing it. What I actually want to say is this: High school is the epitomy of hell, but life goes on. I know that. God will keep me afloat. And no matter how far away He seems or my mom seems or my sister seems or even Jill, I know that He really is not very far at all. Another truth is this: even when you feel friendless and alone, someone is there that cares about you, even if you don't know it. Even if you don't want to except it.

This Crazy Existence

God is an amazing being. It's hard to think that He suffered and died for everyday average people like me and you. It's hard to think that He is everything and anything we need Him to be. It's hard to think that there is NOTHING good without Him. It's hard to think that as imperfect as we are humans are, He's utter perfection makes up for it. All people are invited to fall upon Him mercy. All people. Reguardless of skin color, height, weight, nationality, or lifestyle, we get to come to Him. We can't earn God's love, so our works don't matter. It's HIS work that matters. It doesn't matter what you did last year. It doesn't matter what you did last week. It doesn't matter what you did yesterday. We can put all of our hope, strength, and happiness into Christ.

Just wanted to write these few, but important, words. Sometimes its easy to get out there and play life. You spin the dial and boom your graduating college. Spin again and your getting married. You buy a house. You have twins. You pay taxes. You send your kids to college. You get an award. You watch your grandchildren. You retire. You die. The truth is, life is far more than pushing around little cars with pink and blue pegs in it. Everybody needs something more to live for. People look for it in different places: love, money, celebrity, academics, work, music... Nothing but God makes any sense. God is the only answer that brings a joy and a fulfillment like none other.

I So Hate Consequences

The reason a relationship with God is so hard is this: as you grow with Him you become more and more aware of your sins. Sin awareness, while a good thing, is a painful thing. No one wants to know that they're blemished in the sight out God. God is the very essence of perfection. In Him there are no flaws. So how are we, imperfect humans, to stand before Him? The good news is His grace is sufficient for us. He will carry is through. Sometimes, however, we'll have to face hardships, suffering, and pain. A little heat brings out the worst in us, and then we can work on getting rid of it. What's crazy is that sometimes, it seems like too much. Just remember don't point the finger at God when your being tested, Satan is the supreme ruler of all things evil. He is the one that causes pain and suffering, God just turns it into a learning experience. Another crazy concept is that of punishment. If you've been forgiven of your sins, God's not going to punish you, however, there may be natural consequences. If you murder someone, ask God for forgiveness, and repent, you are, indeed, forgiven. However, you'll probably still go to prison. Sometimes, God might test your honesty and integrity by allowing you to be enticed by some secretive. Just because you don't get caught by the rents, teachers, or officers, does not mean that God doesn't see and know what you do. God sees ALL. God knows ALL.

Random babblings I know. Sometimes all people need to hear these thoughts though. Sin is a dangerous battlefield. Remember: God is there when you go crawling back. Be willing to return to Him.

To Save a Life

I went to see To Save a Life yesterday. It was the single most amazing movie I have ever seen. This is saying a lot; I am sort of a movie junkie. It was real. It was honest. It clearly showed the lines of teenagedom, self-destruction, pressure, aloneness, and social classes. To Save a Life made me rethink everything I thought I knew about life, friends, and Christianity. So, with this being said, I will lay down my personal testamony.


I was homeschooled from 4th to 6th grade. I returned to my local middle school for 7th grade. Because I had been homeschool through the crucial "true friend making stage", I didn't have any friends. There was another girl in my grade, who I had known since 1st grade, named Alex. Her friends had recently hung her out to dry. The school mocked her, so I decided to team up with her. We had a lot in common, so we quickly fell into step. We did everything together and had a lot of laughs. One day we had a fight. To be honest I don't even know what it was about. It was a misunderstanding that the entire class soon hated me for. It frustrated me. Alex, seeing an opening to popularity and seat at the "cool" table, betrayed me. She stabbed me in the back and yet today I can't blame her. The pressures kids see to fit in and be accepted are too great for anyone. I'd like to think I would have stuck by her, but I think deep down I would have handed them the match that burned her. You see I didn't know then what I do now.

We all know how cruel kids can be. It doesn't matter if you're the prom queen or the brainiac, you've experienced the pain cause by kids. The whole class hated me and I was utterly alone. I'd sit alone at lunch and the "cool" kids would throw food at me. The teacher would just look away. Being a social person, I took it very hard. My spirit was crushed. I hated complaining so I never really told anyone, and when I did, the administration wouldn't do anything about it. I was made fun of for being fat. I was made fun of for being Black. I was made fun of for being too poor. I was made fun of because I didn't wear Hollister. I was made fun of for anything and everything. There was about a length of three weeks when it was the hardest. I had gone on before, but it was particularly worse then.

It was a Wednesday afternoon. I had had a particularly horrendous day. I decided then and there that because no one really cared about my existence anyway, I would hang myself after school that Friday. I wrote my suicide letter, and came to terms how my life was to end. I had been cutting myself for months, and the pain from that was beginning to stop hiding the emotional pain. I was ready. Thursday went by as usual. Friday finally arrived. I walked around with an air of finality. Everything was like normal until lunch. I was sitting alone like usual when a small red headed girl named Jill came and sat down at my table. She was a former friend. My best friend, actually, in 4th grade. I had left school so abruptly with no warning that I thought it a waste of time to go back to her. She sat down and practically yelled at me for not sitting with her. "You loser," she said. "If you don't have a place to sit, you sit with me." She fell into conversation like old times. She even invited me over. I began to think "maybe someone does care." I went home and decided it wasn't worth it. Suicide wasn't the answer I needed. It is because of the efforts of one person that I am alive today. It's because of my best friend Jill that I advocate To Save a Life.

Jill's acceptance of me, even in the face of everyone else's rejection saved my life. She was the lifeline I was hoping for. I knew then that she was exactly what I needed. I remember vowing to always go against the tide. To never do something just because everyone else did, especially when it came to the treatment of people. This is the reason that Jill could literally kill my entire family and I would never leave her.

It is now four years later. I am seventeen years old. I am facing college. I drive. I'm moving out. To Save a Life made me so ashamed. I forgot the vow I made to myself. I forgot to always treat people with kindness and acceptance because I never know when I might be saving someone's life. Yesterday I reaffirmed my vows. Suicide is a very real thing. Many people are oppressed by suicidal thoughts. People you might never guess are suicidal may very well be. If you have reason to think someone might be suicidal, tell someone. Speak up. Treat the person with genuine acceptance, kindness, and love. You may be his or her last hope. You could save a life.

Here are some links to some sites that might be helpful.
http://teensuicide.us
http://thetrevorproject.org
http://suicidepreventiononlifeline.org

Be kind. Be Accepting. Be a Life Saver.

The Funny Thing Is

The funny thing about love is that once it is bestowed upon someone, once one has offered the flower to someone, it is very hard to revoke. Sometimes, it is impossible. The funny thing about parents is that we the desire to love them is inherent, and the passion of which we do is derived from our births. Even people that ardently hate their parents feel an emptiness, a bitterness, and a imcompleteness in their lives. No matter how much parents screw up or kick us around, we love them. Not only that, but we also will go to the bloody battlefields for them. We're willing to get our hands dirty and protect them, defend them. The funny thing about friends is, they're hard to make, but easy to lose. Some friends, however, are hard to lose... Those are our best friends. The ones the ones who dont care if you forget to text them back. The ones who dont cry if you dont want to see a movie. The ones you dont have to lie to about having something to do. Those friends are the best. Those friends are the ones who actually matter. The funny thing about life is that this, teenagedom, doesnt ever make sense. Just as you begin to understand it, a new section of life arrives, and your thrown to your feet again.

Short and Sweet

Today was nuts... I went on a four mile bike ride! It was SO hard. My bike was WAY too small... And, considering I haven't been on a bike since about the 5th grade, I was so rusty and wobblly. In light of this story, I bring to you my daily blurb:

DO HARD THINGS. There are always challenging things out there to do. Like going on an extra long bike ride, trying out for a play, participating in a missions week. The things that create the most challenge, the things that test your limits, the things that stretch you, those are the things that make the most difference in your life. Push yourself. Test yourself. Make yourself better. Believe it or not there ARE rewards in it.

A Brand New Outlook

Seventeen. You know what the worse part of it is? Looking at the rest of your life and trying to decide what your priorities are going to be. My whole life, I looked forward to one thing: finding the Perfect Man. While my sisters have chased after Black men (we're all half black) I have always leaned the other way. Why? I'm not so sure.

My older sister chose the "way of the world". Her psyche chose to fill what I call the Daddy Void (Dad has always been present, a provider, and a lover, but never the consistent wholesome Father we needed) with dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. She used Dad's lack of surveillance (which allowed too much freedom) to get "busy" at an early age. Needless to say I was an aunt by the agre of six.

In the other extreme, is my younger sister. She was never into boys. From an early age she "staged" her crushes so she'd have something to talk about with the other kids. By middle school she stopped caring what the other kids thought and jumped into her true interests. It wasn't until late eighth grade that she found herself a boyfriend. This boyfriend was more of a "pity relationship". He liked her and she didn't think he was terrible to be around. She, however, never liked him. Her Freshman year she had a coed best friend. Today they are a cute "semi-couple". They're on the edge of dating, but on the edge of friends. They'll get married some day.

With my two sisters in the extreme ends of the spectrum, where do I fit in? I am in the middle. I have never "consummated" a relationship with anyone. I have had exactly two boyfriends, four if you count my kindergarten and second grade boyfriends. The first Real one was Josh, a short "smart kid" with an honesty problem. We went out for exactly five days before he ditched me at homecoming (using the excuse of attending a Boy Scouts meeting) to make out with a psychotic junior. I spent part of the time in the bathroom crying and the rest of the time trying to blend into the crowd. My second boyfriend was a better experience. He was romantic and sweet. A poet, an author, and an artist. We were great together... on paper. He turned out to be A. too girly B. too clingy C. too possessive and D. too worldly, so I ended it. After that sobering experience, I swore off love. I decided that I'd find the right person one day. I began to pray that God would set apart someone extra special (let's call him Guy) for me. This leads me to my point.

I realized that if I wanted that relationship, God would give it to me. I only had to do one thing in order to get it: I had to want Him [God] more than I wanted Guy, love, or even life. Let me tell you, it is NOT an easy endeavor. But somehow, I know that I'll reach my goal. Lately its like God is this whole new thing. This whole new idea. This whole new person. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is there. I'll grope, feel, search, and call out until I find Him, although He is not far from me. How do I know this? The Bible tells me so. Sometimes, it's just about letting go and having a little bit of faith. Sometimes it's about trust.

Love is not love...

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

O bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wondering bark,

Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare

If I could be but a poet in the years of old William. To posses the talent of words and their uses. To be able to make love more passionately than any painter e'er did on a canvass. To set life on its axis and send the universe to oblivion wtih the stroke of my pen! To be but a writer, I would never be so happy. To see people swoon at my words as if it were a set of beautiful blue eyes. What would I write? Oh I know just the thing.

Sonnet I

Oh save me not from thy eye's hopeful glance!

That thou might look upon my face once more.

Oh Spare me not one last word from thy lips!

Even the moon gives clues to her exit.

The light of thy face outshines the sun.

As the stars are thine shimmering blue eyes:

Eyes bluer than the deepest sea or sky,

Eyes that contain all of this world's wisdom.

My soul to yours will forever be tied.

Death could never divide a love like mine,

Time could never dissolve a love like mine,

Space could not dare to touch a love like mine.

Thy voice like the morning birds becons me.

I will reply like the sun's morning rays.

Brook D'lin

A Little Crazy...

Life has been a big fat crazy mess lately. It's as if you turn seventeen and all of a sudden the weight of the world is on you. You have to make intense decisions including (but not limited to) college, majors, and goals. It's as if all at once you have to think about the future and not just have fun. You begin to miss the days when "just chilling" was the days objective and regret the times when you pressured your parents into treating you like the "young adult you are". You meander down Memory Lane and it seems like just yesterday you thought boys had cooties and now you are gearing up to leave your parents and venture into a "world of your own". You think about all the things you've learned: walking, reading, riding a bike, multiplying, driving, trigonometry and the more important honesty, respect, balancing a check book. You attempt to apply these Vital Life Lessons to your life, and then it hits you: You're growing up! No wait! You're grown. Some how, in the last seventeen years, you have managed to become an adult. Gone are the days where its okay to squeeze Teddy, close your eyes, and cry. You need to make decisions, and QUICK.

This leads me to the more important question: Which path is the RIGHT path? Everybody, including yourself, has an opinion about your life. Your Mom thinks you should be a nurse, your Dad thinks you should be a lawyer, your Best Friend thinks you should be a writer, you want to be a anthropologist. It all boils down to one question: Does God actually have a plan, opinion, or will for your life? This is a question I myself have began to question. Does God exist? Absolutely. However, does He actually have an ultimate Plan for your life, or are you supposed to pick a path that allows you to live a godly life? Many people have told me that He does indeed have this awesome Plan. That if you follow the Plan, great things will happen. I kind of believe them, or at least I want to. Now my only question is: How do you know what God wants? This is a question I have no answer to. I believe you have to earnestly seek Him and beg Him to tell you. I think you have to set your face to seeking Him, and make a continuous decision to follow His Plan no matter what it is. But what do I know? After all, I am only seventeen.