What Am I Doing?

Another day has come and gone, and I am still wondering what I am to do with my life. I want so badly to serve both God and humanity, but I have no clue how. I know exactly what I want, but I am so afraid of stepping out of God's precious will. I need to know His will, and I want to know His will, but I cannot know His will because I take not the steps toward knowing His will. Everyday my soul screams a little louder for me to give up the fight. To allow God to take over my life, is the only chance I have and my very being screams it out to me. However, a part of me still thinks I can handle my life. I am smart, I am not naïve, I am tough, and I am strong. A part of me truly believes that these attributes alone will get me through life with no trouble. Sure, I will tack the name of God onto all I do. My Facebook will always say "Christian" under religious views. I will go to church on Sundays and maybe Wednesdays if I feel up to it. I will pray when I feel pressured, thank God when I get myself promoted, and be the first to say it was "all because of God" I am where I am. Heck, I might even make it into Heaven. Nevertheless, by the time I got there, I would realize that I lived my whole life with God at an arm's length: close enough to grab in an emergency, but far enough for me to be comfortable living life my way without His intervention. Nothing I did would really make it through the fire, and, although I made it into Heaven, I would be guilty knowing that my whole life, which was full of promise and opportunity, was thrown away for a life of frivolity and selfishness. I do not want that to happen to me. I do not want to waste the life God has blessed me with on myself alone. I need to open up and let God in. But how can I when I've spend so much time building these walls to let no one in?

“If Music Be the Food of Love, Play On…”

I watched The Last Song tonight. Last week I had finished the book. Overall, it was an awesome story. It touched my heart in a way only a musician would understand. See, music does something to my soul. It speaks to my heart. It whispers to my feelings. It soothes my mind. Music is the only medium that can skip right past your intellect and go straight to your heart. This is scientifically proven. The Last Song was written for musicians. It inspired me to start playing again. I haven't really played in about a year. I was feeling uninspired and useless. My piano used to be my solace. It used to be my peace in the crazy life. I need to find that place again. I need that place in my life where something makes sense. Notes arranged perfectly, beautifully, meticulously on a page has always brought me peace. There is something so brilliant and magnificent about music. There is something so poignant about compositions. Take into consideration Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. It sounds sad, suspenseful, melancholy, rich, reverent, and hopeful all at the same time. I can appreciate every movement, every shift, and every note. I can see the reason for every single aspect of it. I can see why it is all needed. I can see why.

Parents & Friendship

Unfortunately, parents do not know everything all the time. Parents have no idea what it is that teenagers are forced to go through. They are very often quick to judge because they have "been there before". They have a tendency to make rash generalizations about "kids these days", and never stop to think about what the implications of their words are. I think the times change rapidly. What was true of one generation is not always true of another. The truth of the matter is this: No one mother, father, son, or daughter knows all things, on all subject matter, in all occasions, all the time. That would mean perfection, and perfection is impossible. We were born sinners. We are inherently bad people. I know this, but I need to know why parents, mothers especially, think they have teenage-dom down to an art. Having it all figured out is a false idea. Moreover, if you think you can confide in your parents without it coming back to bite you in the butt, you have another thing coming. I don't know why we expect so much from our mere mortal parents, but it is the honest truth. Your parents are full of wisdom that you should heed. But be careful not to fall into the "judgmental" trap.

My next rant is completely unrelated. I keep coming back to the relationship problem. Today it's not about a knight in shining armor, dating, or "true love" (whatever that is) it's about friendship. Some friendships come in and out of your life. Sometimes you can pick up exactly where you left off and you can talk with an ease like breathing. Some friendships just come naturally. My friendship with Jill, for example, is second nature to me. We can barely talk to for months then suddenly begin talking for hours a day. There are other friendships, however, that take true effort. These friendships, if left unattended, are hard to pick up again. Awkward silences fill the time you are together and the conversations are somehow lacking in the conviction of friendship, kindness, and comfort. You can live without these friendships usually. These are the mere acquaintances. The person you talk to during fifth period English, your gym partner, or friend from youth group. These are people that know only the basics of you. Those people have almost no power over you. If they were to walk straight out of your life, it absolutely would not matter. Strange isn't it? Both are important, but one is true. Study yourself. Be careful. And keep the true ones close.

Life or Maybe Something Like It

I keep on wonder if this is all worth it. Striving for fame, success, money, love, and acceptance. We all search, grope, and vie for these things. They never make us happy. These things make us realize our incredibly deep need for something more in this life. I know God is the answer, but I am having a hard time adjusting my equation to match. I can't seem to make 2+2=4. I need to find a way to make this make sense. I need God to fit. I need life to have meaning. I do not want regrets. I do not want life to be like this. I need something MORE.

Jimmy Eat World

"Over" - Soundtrack to my night

Every Wednesday Mr. Koehler asks me, "So what's on your heart, Brook?" Every Wednesday I convey to him my frustration, desperation, or appreciation with God and life. Today I didn't talk to Mr. Koehler, so I am going to talk to you all instead. I feel empty lately. It's weird, because I shouldn't, and I know that. I know I am empty too. I am empty because I am not putting enough effort into this whole "seeking God" thing. You know I read about these awesome people in the Bible, and it breaks my heart. They obeyed and sought God through everything. David obeyed God's Word when he really didn't have to, Daniel obeyed and sought Him though he faced death, Moses chased after Him though he had all he needed from life, Paul obeyed His call through beatings, imprisionment, and eventually death. It's painful for me to read about these awesome men of God who obeyed Him through every single situation. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like crap. It makes me want to quit because I know that I will NEVER be able to be as great as that. The only thing is this: Even if I could never be as great, I'll never know if I never try to move on. I know I want to move on. I know I want to seek God, and I know I want to find Him. That's all for now, I'm falling asleep at my keyboard.