What Am I Doing?

Another day has come and gone, and I am still wondering what I am to do with my life. I want so badly to serve both God and humanity, but I have no clue how. I know exactly what I want, but I am so afraid of stepping out of God's precious will. I need to know His will, and I want to know His will, but I cannot know His will because I take not the steps toward knowing His will. Everyday my soul screams a little louder for me to give up the fight. To allow God to take over my life, is the only chance I have and my very being screams it out to me. However, a part of me still thinks I can handle my life. I am smart, I am not naïve, I am tough, and I am strong. A part of me truly believes that these attributes alone will get me through life with no trouble. Sure, I will tack the name of God onto all I do. My Facebook will always say "Christian" under religious views. I will go to church on Sundays and maybe Wednesdays if I feel up to it. I will pray when I feel pressured, thank God when I get myself promoted, and be the first to say it was "all because of God" I am where I am. Heck, I might even make it into Heaven. Nevertheless, by the time I got there, I would realize that I lived my whole life with God at an arm's length: close enough to grab in an emergency, but far enough for me to be comfortable living life my way without His intervention. Nothing I did would really make it through the fire, and, although I made it into Heaven, I would be guilty knowing that my whole life, which was full of promise and opportunity, was thrown away for a life of frivolity and selfishness. I do not want that to happen to me. I do not want to waste the life God has blessed me with on myself alone. I need to open up and let God in. But how can I when I've spend so much time building these walls to let no one in?